Leaving Limbo
I cannot believe I am typing this… I am feeling nervous about being out of limbo. In this place of the unknown, I’ve found peace, joy, and appreciation for feeling present. Yet it’s all becoming very real that we are leaving this space. As we head into Kyle’s appointment tomorrow, and then another on April 4th, These will lead us into this next phase. What that will be is completely unknown to us. However, the goal remains the same, to finally see this tumor (Tommy 2.0) shrink.
The reality is, things, as we have known them, are going to change again. I’ve found solace in this place of limbo. I wonder if all this ease, creativity, and presence will continue into the next phase. Will I be able to maintain my footing, or will I struggle to find my balance? I’ve known this place of being with Kyle as he takeschemo for 5 days and recovers for 23 days. He then, as he has done for the past year sees the doctor and continues for another month. It has not been a fun place. It has been a place of struggle, grief, and fear but it has been the place I’ve come to know.
So, what will come? What lies ahead for Kyle? Will I see him struggle? Will I see him in pain? I’ve come accustomed to only seeing him suffer from fatigue I’ve found great gratitude for his lack of pain, nausea, and weakness. He has remained Kyle, the fun-loving and optimistic goober fell in love with (yet a bit more sass than before).
I will not find the answers for the future by writing. What a gift that would be if I could. Yet, I can find strength in this space. By letting my fears out of my brain and onto this page I can release the stresses that weigh me down. I can find strength in knowing I have made it through this past year. I have continued to choose to stay right here in this relationship when I could have left. I have chosen to be here, to continue to find my balance in the deep, unrelenting and choppy waters. Love continues to hold me, to hold Kyle and me together. That love and strength will continue to hold us into this new phase off the cliff and into the unknown.
