Finding Optimism Through Cancer
In January of 2021 Kyle called me while I was sitting with the women inside Root Home. He knew I was sitting for tea ceremony and I knew something wasn’t right. I got up, took the call and in a matter of moments my stomach sank and my life changed forever. Kyle’s cancer had returned. His regular 6 month MRI scans showed new growth. Tommy 2.0 the tumor had returned in the same spot on the left frontal lobe of his brain. I sat sobbing, confused, defeated, and scared beyond words. How is this possible? He was just going for his normal routine checkup, the last time he went it was fine. How did it all change so quickly? How do I move from this spotin which I am stuck?
I called my mom, I was hysterical hoping for answers from the person who always protected me. She did not have them. No one had the answers. What she said was, “it’s going to be ok but, you’ve gotta get it together and be strong for Kyle when he returns home.” I hung up and tried with all my might to find that strength, yet the tears kept falling. Struggling to find my breath between each massive release of tears. I let it out, and then Kyle got home and I held it together. I found the strength and sucked down my tears. By fighting that pain, fear, and grief, I unknowingly created the greatest detriment to my own well-being. Which eventually led to the turbulent waters between Kyle and me.
Everything started moving quickly and slowly all at the same time. Kyle’s situation is unique; he has had three brain surgeries and has met his lifetime limit of radiation since being first diagnosed eighteen years ago. This presented with an uncertain path of what his course of treatment would be as he had limitations. We waited to see the neuro-oncologist for a month. She was reviewing his case, as well as reviewing it with the tumor board comprised of other neuro-oncologist. That long month leading up to the meeting, being in limbo, I channeled what my mother said. I held it together and channeled my fear into everything but facing it. Which meant I started working endlessly on getting our home in order, which was currently in disarray as we were making big changes to the place that made us feel the most safe, our home. I had to make it a more liveable space. My gut reaction was just to create a safe home. Just create a safe clean home. If that is taken care of everything will be ok. I listened.
Yet, to no surprise that safe home did not make everything ok. Soon I started to break. I could not hold it together anymore. So, I let it all out. I express all my fears and horrific stories that were playing in my head with Kyle. He listened, he understood but he did not believe what I had been believing in my head. He asked for me to please find some optimism and positivity for his outcome because he could not hold my fear. So, I fought inside my own mind endlessly to let go of those fears. The fear came like massive waves out of nowhere that I could not get out of, and other times I find a slice of optimism amidst it.
We finally learned of his next steps, a twelve-month course of chemotherapy. Twelve, 28-day cycles, the first five days taking a pill form of chemotherapy, and 23 days off before beginning again. Finding out the treatment plan relieved a small bit of worry. It allowed me to focus on something, having an “end date” in mind. We just have to make it twelve months, at the end of the twelve months Kyle will be on the other side.
Now just closing out the twelfth month of chemotherapy I can see it all a bit more clear. I still do not understand it. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around saying, “Kyle has brain cancer.” Yet I can see with less fear in my eyes. The optimism is more alive than the fear. Though we wait in limbo yet again, Kyle's tumor has not changed twelve months later. It is the same size and what we do next is again up in the air. We wait to see the neuro-oncologist next month. Our hope, there will be a trial available, or a helmet called Optune that flips the cancer cells and they start to die off, will be available.
This time of limbo feels different, I know everything will be ok. Kyle has shown me his positive mindset, deep knowing, and belief in science will keep him alive for decades to come. Now, I am ready to start living out those decades with my love who is in “remission.”
